New Meds

Picking up where yesterday left off..

Dinner: Went out. Made up for not eating a whole bunch, although I didn't finish my food.


Went back to the doctor yesterday. I always hate going to that Doctor because I never actually get to see her. It seems like every time I go, she always has a baby to deliver so I'm stuck seeing someone else, which has really started to piss me off. I mean, I know that babies have to be delivered and shit but dear god, every single time? So I had to see her assistant or whoever. Usually she pisses me off because she never listens to what I have to say. This time though, my mom did the talking. THANK GOD.

So, I've finally gotten what I want. A new anti-depressant. I was in such a good mood about getting them yesterday my mom started questioning whether or not I need them. Oh well. That's a mom for you. Anyway, the reason I'm in such a good mood is because of the side effects of anti-depressants. They make you sleepy, dizzy, and best of all...not hungry! Yay! Now I have a fucking valid excuse for not eating. All I have to do is say the meds are making my stomach upset. If you can't tell, I'm pretty excited.

I can already start to feel the effects. Hell, I could last night when I went out to dinner. It was nice going out with someone other than my boyfriend, not that there's anything wrong with him. I love "A" to death, I really do. But sometimes I think we spend too much time together. That will all change in about three weeks. I think that everything will be good though. We're great together. Anyway, got off topic. I can already feel the effects. I was in a good mood all night last night and that was definitely new. I enjoyed it though. I started to get extremely tired and actually had to head home earlier than curfew. It's supposed to cause sweats and I think I'm actually getting that at the moment, along with a few other side effects. I am really shaky, like I keep hitting wrong buttons so this is taking forever. Also my stomach is telling me "do not eat anything. don't do. you'll regret it. i feel bad, don't give me food right now." So I'm gonna listen.

"A" is taking me out on a very nice date tonight to make up for the small fight we had a few days ago (which we're both over, by the way) and for what my grandmother said 'cause he knew it bugged me. We're gonna go eat at my favourite restaurant and then go see a movie that I want to. It'll be nice. I know it will be. And since I'm on those pills I can eat a little to show him I am and then stop cause my "stomach starts hurting". I feel bad for doing that, cause he's paying but we're doing Italian and I cannot eat all those calories. I can't do it. I can't do it.

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I just realized that I might want to explain about how everything happened with me, how I fell into this. 'Cause there's really no other way to describe it.

I was one of the first girls in my school to hit 100 pounds. I was healthy but all the girls were smaller. I felt different and back then, as a child, different was bad. My mother dressed me in ridiculous clothes so school was a little hard for me. I always had good friends, even some popular ones, but a lot of people still made fun of me. I guess that's really the first time I became self-concious of myself. Fourth grade.

As school went on, I kept gaining weight. Not a lot, but I was still just a little heavier than all the girls. This was fine with me until Junior High. I went through an extremely rough period with a girl who used to be my friend. She isolated me, practically stole all of my friends away from me, and insulted me every chance she got. It took a lot to keep my head high then and even when I did, I was always thinking exactly what she told me, how shitty I was. Back then, all girls care what other people think. I still did, I'm not gonna lie. That's exactly how I got my low self-esteem. And it wasn't just about my looks. It was about everything. I began thinking that my family hated me, my friends truly hated me, I wasn't smart, I wasn't going to become anything, I wasn't going to do anything with my life. It was just an ongoing circle of shit in my head. Until I met "A".

"A" is probably single-handedly the one reason I am still alive right now.

We've been best friends since ninth grade, and dating for about a year. He saved me.

When high school came along, everything got worse. Tenth grade was probably the shittiest year of my life. "A" had a thing for this girl, a complete bitch. But I wouldn't say anything about it because he's my best friend and I wasn't going to ruin something for him. Well, one night when we were hanging out, we finally held hands and he was going to kiss me, but he didn't. He was scared the other girl would find out and he'd lose his shot. Well, needless to say, "A" and I weren't friends for a while after that. At least after I found that out. He ignored me completely after that, even though in one class we sat right next to each other.

That's when I met "L". He was everything I wanted...or, rather, he reminded me of "A". And in time, I honestly fell for him. I don't have enough time to even begin the story with "L" so I'll shorten it. I loved him, he "loved" me, he used me, dumped me. We broke up on our one year. I've talked to people about what's happened between him and me and everyone says that everything happened physically was basically rape. I don't know about that...I didn't say no. But I didn't exactly say yes either. It's a thing I'm conflicted about still to this day.

So, that brings us up to twelfth grade. "L" always made me feel like shit. Worse than shit. So of course, things got worse. I didn't actually start having these "Anorexic tendencies" until this year. At least not as major ones. There are plenty of days throughout my life where I'd sat down and said "I'm not gonna eat today," but nothing of this magnitude.

I refused to eat. I took Cymbalta, pills I knew would upset my stomach, just so I could say I didn't feel good. I began counting calories. On everything. I never drank regular sodas or anything with calories above 50 a serving. Needless to say, I survived mostly off of Diet Coke and Water. And it worked. I managed to drop at least ten pounds before "A" started to really notice. I told him it was just because I wasn't drinking all that sugar from the sodas anymore and I wasn't snacking anymore (Which I wasn't) but he didn't know that only meals I ever ate were when I was with him. And most of those...well. I took a trip to the bathroom.

Let me make something really clear here. I do not endorse purging. It is a terrible habit that you don't want to get into. Trust me.

The reason I say anorexic tendencies is because you can't really classify my behavior into one subtype of anorexia. I guess technically I'm ED-NOS. I don't fit completely into the restricting because I do purge, but I don't fit completely into the purge, because I do restrict. I dunno. I'll go with the regular old term, anorexic.

But, seriously, if you've been thinking about purging, don't. It's a terrible habit that I wish I had never gotten into. You have no idea how dangerous that. And I know I sound like a right hypocrite talking about what's bad for someone. As bad as restricting can be, purging is way worse. First of all, even if you purge the food you eat, your body has already consumed some of the calories so it's not like you're erasing the calories for the day, they're still there. Also, when you purge by vomiting, you completely rip apart your esophagus and your teeth. The stomach acid will wear away at the enamel and your dentists will be able to tell. I can't really tell you anything about the other ways of purging except that I know they all completely rip apart your body someway or another, because when I purge, I vomit.

Please don't call me a hypocrite for telling people not to do something I do. I don't care if I sound like one. I have a problem, and I admit that. And I don't want the kind of mental stress and physical stress I'm putting my body under to happen to anyone else. I do not believe that eating disorders should be spread around and that they're cool, like a lot of fucking idiot girls do. I realize that I have a serious problem and I don't want anyone else to have to deal with it also. Call me an optimist.

I guess, to make it fair, after I've given you a lecture...If you do purge and find you can't break the habit, like I still can't, here are some tips to make it easier and a little less noticeable after you get out of the bathroom.

Throughtout the binge or just meal you're eating (if you plan it) be sure to drink loooots of liquids. Anything works but I would recommend water or diet soda. Actually, I just recommend water. That way, when it comes back up, the water provides enough lubrication in the esophagus so the food literally doesn't drag. It is extremely painful to purge if you don't have enough liquid in your system. Plus with the liquid, I find it comes a lot quicker. Another thing I would suggest doing is using a toothbrush. I use a toothbrush with a slim handle. If you don't have one, they're very inexpensive. I, personally, can't use my finger. There's just something about it that just doesn't work for me. But in any case, you can use the end (not the brush end!!) to stick toward your throat. Sometimes just the feeling of having something that far back in your mouth will work enough to get you gagging but if not, press very very gently on the back of your throat. If you press too hard, or use the brush side, you will be in pain for a very long while. Trust me. Also, one of the advantages of using a tooth brush is you don't get those tell tale red signs on your knuckles where your teeth have either bitten down or scraped. Plus, when you're done, wash off the toothbrush and brush your teeth to get rid of the stomach acid. OH! By the way, if you can, DO NOT SPIT OUT YOUR SALIVA! DON'T DO IT! I know that sounds gross, but the reason the mouth produces so much saliva when you vomit is to protect your gums and teeth!

Anyway, wow. I've gotten way off from my story. So, anyway. When all this started, I told "A". He "understood" but didn't want me to do it. At first I told him okay, I'd try, blah blah blah. Whatever it would take to get him off my back. But after a while, I just stopped lying about it. There was no use and I felt like shit when I lied about it. So, when I wasn't with him, I didn't eat. And when we went out, I either order something small and healthy or something normal and either got rid of it. Eventually it got to the point where I was finally starting to break the habit. I would eat a little more every day and so on and I'd stop purging. It felt nice for a while because I knew someone loved me.

I guess I should say this now. My anorexia does not solely come from my problems with my looks. It does have quite a bit to do with it, but my problem stems from needing control, needing stability in my life. And back in Junior High, and tenth grade, and this year, those are all things that I need desperately. And I felt the only way I could gain control over my life, the one thing I could control myself, was what I put into my body. It started slowly but is in full swing now.

In any case, we're pretty much caught up now to where I am today.

So, plan for the day!

Breakfast: already skipped it.

Lunch: vitamin water, maybe some soup just to get me through the day

Dinner: something italian. Not a lot. I can't really plan on calories here because I can't exactly ask. I'll make up for it tomorrow.