Shit, shit, shit.

I honestly don't know what else to say.

Things have been spiraling out of control.

I haven't been taking my medication...I almost dumped "A"....I've begun purging again....

And I'm leaving in a week.

Shit, shit, shit...

Good news, silver lining, I suppose...

Lost a few pounds. Not much...The stress is helping and destroying all at the same time.

I don't know how to describe what I've been feeling lately.

Empty...but not in the way I wish. I have been eating like crazy for about the past week. It's just been an outlet and not in the way it should be. I was good today though...sort of.

Woke up around nine, didn't eat anything until about noon. Ate half a bowl of grapes. Played Xbox. Got in bed. Watched Intervention. That show is fucking addicting. I seriously could not stop watching it on Youtube. Especially the ones about the eating disorders.

Like...I look at those girls and I see everything that I want...control...a good body....And then I realize what kind of show they're on. They're on that show because they're about to fucking die from this...And then I get scared. And I realize how close I am to letting this just completely take over again....But then I realize that this is what I want, to a certain extent. I don't want to be so thin I'm going to pass out from standing up, or have to purge every time I eat. I just want to be fucking happy...for one time in my life, I want to be fucking happy.

Right now, I now there is no amount of pills, food, lack of food, blogging, thinspiration, or anything that is going to help me.

Right now, I can live with that.

So anyway...finally crawled out of bed around two. Got ready, got dressed, felt a little bit better about myself. Still hadn't had anything to eat besides those grapes. Got a diet coke. That was so good. I needed that caffeine. Went out with "A". Purged at the restaurant. Admitted it, felt like shit. Shouldn't have told him...he's going to start watching me again. Then we got some fast food before he dropped me off. I made sure to get a regular soda, which tasted sooo fucking good, and a meal. I ate about half the fries and all of the chicken I got. Of course, I got home, went to the bathroom, and purged as much as I could. Haven't told him. Don't think I'm gonna. Like I said, he's gonna start watching me again. I don't need that...

I am making myself a promise right here, right now.

I WILL NOT GAIN THE FRESHMAN FIFTEEN!!