I don't exactly know...

I don't exactly know why I decided to start a blog. I guess because of the fact that yesterday was a pretty destructive day. I need an outlet, somewhere I can vent with no worries of getting caught or anyone realizing who I am and what exactly I'm dealing with.

I tend to have anorexic tendencies. Quite often. I recently had gotten to a point where I thought I might have gone into some sort of remission, gotten my "stupid, idiotic" ways of thinking under control. Remission is a good word. I had my anorexia in a remission of sorts, like cancer.

The more I think about it the more I can see how anorexia is like cancer. It can creep into your life and just completely take over you, just like cancer can. You can get help, have all kinds of toxins pumped into your body. But in the end, you're never really cured. The side effects and aftermath will always be there, always reminding you of your "illness". Plus, just like cancer, you have an increased risk of getting it again.

Anyway. My family has absolutely no idea that there is really anything wrong with me. I mean, sure, they know I have a very low self-esteem and that I'm depressed. But they have no idea that my mental instability runs so much deeper than the normal teenage shit.

I can't believe that I have been writing those paragraphs and I still haven't quite gotten to the point.

Yesterday morning my grandmother just suddenly asks me how much weight I've put on over the summer because she can really tel that I have. And then proceeds to tell me that I am lazy because in the small amount of time that I have at home before uni begins, I have not been working out, going to the gym.

And of course, when does she have this conversation with me? While we're on an overnight trip visiting family. After this happens, I take my phone and head toward the bathroom. I know I must have sat in there for at least half an hour and cried pretty much the whole time. I sent a text to "A", "K", "Al", and "P". They're the only friends that I have told about my "problem".

I barely ate anything at lunch. I had told myself, and my boyfriend "A" that I was done with restricting and fasting and purging. I was done and was never going back to that again. I couldn't do that to myself or to him. He takes all that stuff even harder than I do. But in any case, I made up for the lack of lunch when my mother and I went to Godiva. You know why they call that store Godiva? 'Cause all of their stuff tastes like it's straight from God. That was lame. Moving on.

So, the chocolate made me feel a lot better. At least for a little while. I cannot resist chocolate covered strawberries. They are such a comfort food and remind me of happier times that I seriously could not pass them up yesterday. And I was right, they did help.

We had to go to the store because what my family was going to make for dinner has never sat real well with my stomach, even before Ana so they were nice enough to let me try and pick something out. I was going to opt for a Lean Cuisine pizza so I could have something I wanted but not with a TON of calories. Well, when they saw I was reaching for that, I was told to put it back because they knew how to make homemade pizza.

I cried in the middle of a grocery store. That's when I knew. That's when I knew I was right back where I started. I was crying, hanging my head in shame, walking out of the store because I didn't want to eat something I couldn't count the calories in. And I couldn't skip out on another meal because that would be way too obvious something was up.

I didn't stay at dinner long. I ate slowly, only eating about four small slices of the pizza. When everyone was done, I excused myself to go take a shower. Well, I turned that water on, grabbed a tooth brush and promptly got rid of that pizza. I felt terrible. I had promised, sworn, to my boyfriend that I wouldn't do that again. Ana told me oh well.

Well, I told him. He had been freaking about everything since I told him what happened with my grandmother because he knows how I am. He knew exactly where it was going to go but since he wasn't there, he couldn't exactly stop it.

Well, feeling guilty about him, I ate two more pieces of Godiva and half a bag of popcorn which is surprisingly low in calories if you buy the right bag! I also got a large cup and filled it to the brim with ice. I knew that I wanted a regular soda but I knew with all the ice in there I'd get less soda. So I drank the soda and then ate the ice. Ice always was a comfort food to me for some reason. Plus during my..."times", it helps with fullness.

Well, I have a doctor's appointment to get to so I need to cut this off.

Breakfast:
Cinnamon roll, half
Very small orange juice

Snack:
One Godiva (couldn't resist)

Lunch:
None.