Shit, shit, shit.

I honestly don't know what else to say.

Things have been spiraling out of control.

I haven't been taking my medication...I almost dumped "A"....I've begun purging again....

And I'm leaving in a week.

Shit, shit, shit...

Good news, silver lining, I suppose...

Lost a few pounds. Not much...The stress is helping and destroying all at the same time.

I don't know how to describe what I've been feeling lately.

Empty...but not in the way I wish. I have been eating like crazy for about the past week. It's just been an outlet and not in the way it should be. I was good today though...sort of.

Woke up around nine, didn't eat anything until about noon. Ate half a bowl of grapes. Played Xbox. Got in bed. Watched Intervention. That show is fucking addicting. I seriously could not stop watching it on Youtube. Especially the ones about the eating disorders.

Like...I look at those girls and I see everything that I want...control...a good body....And then I realize what kind of show they're on. They're on that show because they're about to fucking die from this...And then I get scared. And I realize how close I am to letting this just completely take over again....But then I realize that this is what I want, to a certain extent. I don't want to be so thin I'm going to pass out from standing up, or have to purge every time I eat. I just want to be fucking happy...for one time in my life, I want to be fucking happy.

Right now, I now there is no amount of pills, food, lack of food, blogging, thinspiration, or anything that is going to help me.

Right now, I can live with that.

So anyway...finally crawled out of bed around two. Got ready, got dressed, felt a little bit better about myself. Still hadn't had anything to eat besides those grapes. Got a diet coke. That was so good. I needed that caffeine. Went out with "A". Purged at the restaurant. Admitted it, felt like shit. Shouldn't have told him...he's going to start watching me again. Then we got some fast food before he dropped me off. I made sure to get a regular soda, which tasted sooo fucking good, and a meal. I ate about half the fries and all of the chicken I got. Of course, I got home, went to the bathroom, and purged as much as I could. Haven't told him. Don't think I'm gonna. Like I said, he's gonna start watching me again. I don't need that...

I am making myself a promise right here, right now.

I WILL NOT GAIN THE FRESHMAN FIFTEEN!!

A lot of catching up to do...

Where to start, where to start. I can't decide.

Well, first off, the 2468 did not start as planned. Or at all. Yet. My plan is for it to begin tomorrow. But we'll talk more about the outline for that plan later.

I have never felt so weak, useless, and ugly. I have somehow gained four pounds, even though I've been eating less than what I normally do. I know I'm still not doing near as much restricting as I should. But I'm getting there. College will begin soon and I can't help but get a little sad thinking about it. I'm not sure I'm ready to leave home, leave my parents, and leave my friends. I mean, sure, I am totally ready to be out on my own and be able to live my life the way that I want, but it's going to be so different without them. Maybe I won't feel so much pressure to be perfect....No. I doubt that. Most of that inner voice comes from me anyway.

I guess the only thing I really have left now is to plan out my day.

Morning: Wake up. Leave for work. Stop and get bottled water. (If you're going to be drinking water as part of a fast or something, I recommend Smart Water because it has electrolytes and such that will replenish what your body is missing while fasting and restricting.) Get a diet coke. Drink both throughout the morning, during work.

Lunch: Head home from work for an hour. Read/take bath/post/clean/do something to keep my mind off of eating lunch. head back to work. stop and get another diet coke

Snack: After first job, come home and an apple.

Dinner/Nighttime: Either eat another apple or half a can of soup for dinner. Go to second job. Leave second job. Get a diet coke. Munch on ice to curb hunger cravings. Go to sleep. Wake up and do it all over again on Friday.

Sounds like a plan. I just really hope that I can stick to it. One of those diet cokes might become one of those low-cal Vitamin Waters. I really do love those and they're only 10 calories a serving and there's 2.5 servings in a bottle. So 25 calories isn't too bad. I could live with that.

One thing I noticed during my last "episode" was that once I cut out regular sodas and unhealthy snacking was that the pounds really seemed to fall off. I lost ten pounds in under two weeks. It was pretty sweet. Plus I wasn't working two jobs then.

I've decided that every time I get a hunger craving and I can get to this computer, I will get online and post to get rid of the craving. Or I will watch thinspo. I love watching the "Watch Me Shrink" videos on YouTube. They give me some kind of strength.

Anyway, I need to go. Have to be up for work early tomorrow. Goodbye for now!

2468

So, I think I'm gonna start the 2468 diet. I need to work to where the 8 is on a weekend day though. Or I'm gonna be fucked. Looks like I'll be starting on...Tuesday, tomorrow. So I can have my 8 on Friday. Hmm...At first I was a little weary about trying something like this but I figure I can't just go and hope I stay under one number every day or I'll hit a plateau. So, I think this will help bring a little structure to my life. Band Camp started today and I was going to go back and help but I slept through the beginning, the marching, which is what I want to go to. I'm hoping that will help with the weight. It should help a little, at least.

I don't want to weigh myself but I know I need to. I need to figure out my starting weight, and goal weights. I'd say because of vacation I'm probably around 170. If I'm higher I will cry. Let's see...I think my first goal weight will be 150. That might change after I go and actually weigh myself. I guess I need to go do that real quick...Wow. Okay, so wayyyy better than I thought. I actually haven't changed over the summer so I'm holding at about 166 right now. Let's go ahead and change that goal weight tooo...146 and make it an even 20 pounds. Gotta go. Got errands to run.

I am weak.

I know that I'm weak. You don't have to tell me, Ana. I know that I am.

So, the weekend would literally just be so much easier if I had a free weekend and actually began restricting on Monday. 'Cause today, "A" wants to take me out to lunch and then to another movie. Plus I always have a lot of family over on Sunday for dinner so there's no way I can skip that. Especially not since I'm leaving in three weeks. This is going to be difficult. Even if I allow myself to actually eat, I always feel guilty and end up not eating a whole bunch. Now, while that makes Ana feel better, it makes me feel like shit. I had to waste things but sometimes, even if I haven't even eaten half of whats in front of me, I can't finish it.

I am so ready to go off to school and not have to worry about food. The way my classes are set up, I will be able to skip meals without anyone saying anything. I think what I'll mostly eat is yogurt and things like that. Diet soda, water. I'm nervous about college. Very nervous. I know I'm not the only one but honestly I feel like with all this other shit going on, I'd like to just wait a semester or something. But that's not gonna happen. I'd have to explain to my parents. And well, they don't know anything is wrong. I don't need them finding out. I'll be shipped off to Arizona or somewhere to get treatment. Not going to happen. I'm not leaving "A". I'm not.

Ugh.

At lunch. Tried to get rid of it, as hard as I could. No go. I broke one of my own rules. I didn't drink enough liquid. I feel like shit now. Tomorrow is no food until dinner. 'Cause I know "A" is gonna wanna go out again tomorrow. Oh shit. We're going to the movies tonight. Damnit. This is gonna be hard. Okay, popcorn doesn't have THAT many calories. And if we go after we eat, all I'll want is a soda. Okay, good plan. It's okay. No food at the movies, don't finish dinner. Oh who am I kidding, it's Italian...


Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

I know I'm not gonna be able to stop. I know that.

Wait. I know.

I don't like it but if I do end up eating it all tonight or more than I plan to, which I already know I will...Urg. I will simply not eat at all tomorrow. Only water and Vitamin Water and Diet Coke. All day. I can do it. It's gonna be tough but I can do it. I can skip out on dinner. I'll go to church tomorrow night and just tell "A" that I ate beforehand.

A liquid day shouldn't be hard. I can drink liquids like they're nothing. I'm glad I'm not like my mom. It takes her all day to drink a large soda. I can down one in under five minutes. Alright. I can do it.

Actually, you know what. I'm gonna hate myself tonight for doing it, but tonight is a free night. It's a date. I want to be able to enjoy myself. Today is a free day and tomorrow will begin a new diet. A fast, if I have enough willpower. Yes. That's the plan.

New Meds

Picking up where yesterday left off..

Dinner: Went out. Made up for not eating a whole bunch, although I didn't finish my food.


Went back to the doctor yesterday. I always hate going to that Doctor because I never actually get to see her. It seems like every time I go, she always has a baby to deliver so I'm stuck seeing someone else, which has really started to piss me off. I mean, I know that babies have to be delivered and shit but dear god, every single time? So I had to see her assistant or whoever. Usually she pisses me off because she never listens to what I have to say. This time though, my mom did the talking. THANK GOD.

So, I've finally gotten what I want. A new anti-depressant. I was in such a good mood about getting them yesterday my mom started questioning whether or not I need them. Oh well. That's a mom for you. Anyway, the reason I'm in such a good mood is because of the side effects of anti-depressants. They make you sleepy, dizzy, and best of all...not hungry! Yay! Now I have a fucking valid excuse for not eating. All I have to do is say the meds are making my stomach upset. If you can't tell, I'm pretty excited.

I can already start to feel the effects. Hell, I could last night when I went out to dinner. It was nice going out with someone other than my boyfriend, not that there's anything wrong with him. I love "A" to death, I really do. But sometimes I think we spend too much time together. That will all change in about three weeks. I think that everything will be good though. We're great together. Anyway, got off topic. I can already feel the effects. I was in a good mood all night last night and that was definitely new. I enjoyed it though. I started to get extremely tired and actually had to head home earlier than curfew. It's supposed to cause sweats and I think I'm actually getting that at the moment, along with a few other side effects. I am really shaky, like I keep hitting wrong buttons so this is taking forever. Also my stomach is telling me "do not eat anything. don't do. you'll regret it. i feel bad, don't give me food right now." So I'm gonna listen.

"A" is taking me out on a very nice date tonight to make up for the small fight we had a few days ago (which we're both over, by the way) and for what my grandmother said 'cause he knew it bugged me. We're gonna go eat at my favourite restaurant and then go see a movie that I want to. It'll be nice. I know it will be. And since I'm on those pills I can eat a little to show him I am and then stop cause my "stomach starts hurting". I feel bad for doing that, cause he's paying but we're doing Italian and I cannot eat all those calories. I can't do it. I can't do it.

---

I just realized that I might want to explain about how everything happened with me, how I fell into this. 'Cause there's really no other way to describe it.

I was one of the first girls in my school to hit 100 pounds. I was healthy but all the girls were smaller. I felt different and back then, as a child, different was bad. My mother dressed me in ridiculous clothes so school was a little hard for me. I always had good friends, even some popular ones, but a lot of people still made fun of me. I guess that's really the first time I became self-concious of myself. Fourth grade.

As school went on, I kept gaining weight. Not a lot, but I was still just a little heavier than all the girls. This was fine with me until Junior High. I went through an extremely rough period with a girl who used to be my friend. She isolated me, practically stole all of my friends away from me, and insulted me every chance she got. It took a lot to keep my head high then and even when I did, I was always thinking exactly what she told me, how shitty I was. Back then, all girls care what other people think. I still did, I'm not gonna lie. That's exactly how I got my low self-esteem. And it wasn't just about my looks. It was about everything. I began thinking that my family hated me, my friends truly hated me, I wasn't smart, I wasn't going to become anything, I wasn't going to do anything with my life. It was just an ongoing circle of shit in my head. Until I met "A".

"A" is probably single-handedly the one reason I am still alive right now.

We've been best friends since ninth grade, and dating for about a year. He saved me.

When high school came along, everything got worse. Tenth grade was probably the shittiest year of my life. "A" had a thing for this girl, a complete bitch. But I wouldn't say anything about it because he's my best friend and I wasn't going to ruin something for him. Well, one night when we were hanging out, we finally held hands and he was going to kiss me, but he didn't. He was scared the other girl would find out and he'd lose his shot. Well, needless to say, "A" and I weren't friends for a while after that. At least after I found that out. He ignored me completely after that, even though in one class we sat right next to each other.

That's when I met "L". He was everything I wanted...or, rather, he reminded me of "A". And in time, I honestly fell for him. I don't have enough time to even begin the story with "L" so I'll shorten it. I loved him, he "loved" me, he used me, dumped me. We broke up on our one year. I've talked to people about what's happened between him and me and everyone says that everything happened physically was basically rape. I don't know about that...I didn't say no. But I didn't exactly say yes either. It's a thing I'm conflicted about still to this day.

So, that brings us up to twelfth grade. "L" always made me feel like shit. Worse than shit. So of course, things got worse. I didn't actually start having these "Anorexic tendencies" until this year. At least not as major ones. There are plenty of days throughout my life where I'd sat down and said "I'm not gonna eat today," but nothing of this magnitude.

I refused to eat. I took Cymbalta, pills I knew would upset my stomach, just so I could say I didn't feel good. I began counting calories. On everything. I never drank regular sodas or anything with calories above 50 a serving. Needless to say, I survived mostly off of Diet Coke and Water. And it worked. I managed to drop at least ten pounds before "A" started to really notice. I told him it was just because I wasn't drinking all that sugar from the sodas anymore and I wasn't snacking anymore (Which I wasn't) but he didn't know that only meals I ever ate were when I was with him. And most of those...well. I took a trip to the bathroom.

Let me make something really clear here. I do not endorse purging. It is a terrible habit that you don't want to get into. Trust me.

The reason I say anorexic tendencies is because you can't really classify my behavior into one subtype of anorexia. I guess technically I'm ED-NOS. I don't fit completely into the restricting because I do purge, but I don't fit completely into the purge, because I do restrict. I dunno. I'll go with the regular old term, anorexic.

But, seriously, if you've been thinking about purging, don't. It's a terrible habit that I wish I had never gotten into. You have no idea how dangerous that. And I know I sound like a right hypocrite talking about what's bad for someone. As bad as restricting can be, purging is way worse. First of all, even if you purge the food you eat, your body has already consumed some of the calories so it's not like you're erasing the calories for the day, they're still there. Also, when you purge by vomiting, you completely rip apart your esophagus and your teeth. The stomach acid will wear away at the enamel and your dentists will be able to tell. I can't really tell you anything about the other ways of purging except that I know they all completely rip apart your body someway or another, because when I purge, I vomit.

Please don't call me a hypocrite for telling people not to do something I do. I don't care if I sound like one. I have a problem, and I admit that. And I don't want the kind of mental stress and physical stress I'm putting my body under to happen to anyone else. I do not believe that eating disorders should be spread around and that they're cool, like a lot of fucking idiot girls do. I realize that I have a serious problem and I don't want anyone else to have to deal with it also. Call me an optimist.

I guess, to make it fair, after I've given you a lecture...If you do purge and find you can't break the habit, like I still can't, here are some tips to make it easier and a little less noticeable after you get out of the bathroom.

Throughtout the binge or just meal you're eating (if you plan it) be sure to drink loooots of liquids. Anything works but I would recommend water or diet soda. Actually, I just recommend water. That way, when it comes back up, the water provides enough lubrication in the esophagus so the food literally doesn't drag. It is extremely painful to purge if you don't have enough liquid in your system. Plus with the liquid, I find it comes a lot quicker. Another thing I would suggest doing is using a toothbrush. I use a toothbrush with a slim handle. If you don't have one, they're very inexpensive. I, personally, can't use my finger. There's just something about it that just doesn't work for me. But in any case, you can use the end (not the brush end!!) to stick toward your throat. Sometimes just the feeling of having something that far back in your mouth will work enough to get you gagging but if not, press very very gently on the back of your throat. If you press too hard, or use the brush side, you will be in pain for a very long while. Trust me. Also, one of the advantages of using a tooth brush is you don't get those tell tale red signs on your knuckles where your teeth have either bitten down or scraped. Plus, when you're done, wash off the toothbrush and brush your teeth to get rid of the stomach acid. OH! By the way, if you can, DO NOT SPIT OUT YOUR SALIVA! DON'T DO IT! I know that sounds gross, but the reason the mouth produces so much saliva when you vomit is to protect your gums and teeth!

Anyway, wow. I've gotten way off from my story. So, anyway. When all this started, I told "A". He "understood" but didn't want me to do it. At first I told him okay, I'd try, blah blah blah. Whatever it would take to get him off my back. But after a while, I just stopped lying about it. There was no use and I felt like shit when I lied about it. So, when I wasn't with him, I didn't eat. And when we went out, I either order something small and healthy or something normal and either got rid of it. Eventually it got to the point where I was finally starting to break the habit. I would eat a little more every day and so on and I'd stop purging. It felt nice for a while because I knew someone loved me.

I guess I should say this now. My anorexia does not solely come from my problems with my looks. It does have quite a bit to do with it, but my problem stems from needing control, needing stability in my life. And back in Junior High, and tenth grade, and this year, those are all things that I need desperately. And I felt the only way I could gain control over my life, the one thing I could control myself, was what I put into my body. It started slowly but is in full swing now.

In any case, we're pretty much caught up now to where I am today.

So, plan for the day!

Breakfast: already skipped it.

Lunch: vitamin water, maybe some soup just to get me through the day

Dinner: something italian. Not a lot. I can't really plan on calories here because I can't exactly ask. I'll make up for it tomorrow.

I don't exactly know...

I don't exactly know why I decided to start a blog. I guess because of the fact that yesterday was a pretty destructive day. I need an outlet, somewhere I can vent with no worries of getting caught or anyone realizing who I am and what exactly I'm dealing with.

I tend to have anorexic tendencies. Quite often. I recently had gotten to a point where I thought I might have gone into some sort of remission, gotten my "stupid, idiotic" ways of thinking under control. Remission is a good word. I had my anorexia in a remission of sorts, like cancer.

The more I think about it the more I can see how anorexia is like cancer. It can creep into your life and just completely take over you, just like cancer can. You can get help, have all kinds of toxins pumped into your body. But in the end, you're never really cured. The side effects and aftermath will always be there, always reminding you of your "illness". Plus, just like cancer, you have an increased risk of getting it again.

Anyway. My family has absolutely no idea that there is really anything wrong with me. I mean, sure, they know I have a very low self-esteem and that I'm depressed. But they have no idea that my mental instability runs so much deeper than the normal teenage shit.

I can't believe that I have been writing those paragraphs and I still haven't quite gotten to the point.

Yesterday morning my grandmother just suddenly asks me how much weight I've put on over the summer because she can really tel that I have. And then proceeds to tell me that I am lazy because in the small amount of time that I have at home before uni begins, I have not been working out, going to the gym.

And of course, when does she have this conversation with me? While we're on an overnight trip visiting family. After this happens, I take my phone and head toward the bathroom. I know I must have sat in there for at least half an hour and cried pretty much the whole time. I sent a text to "A", "K", "Al", and "P". They're the only friends that I have told about my "problem".

I barely ate anything at lunch. I had told myself, and my boyfriend "A" that I was done with restricting and fasting and purging. I was done and was never going back to that again. I couldn't do that to myself or to him. He takes all that stuff even harder than I do. But in any case, I made up for the lack of lunch when my mother and I went to Godiva. You know why they call that store Godiva? 'Cause all of their stuff tastes like it's straight from God. That was lame. Moving on.

So, the chocolate made me feel a lot better. At least for a little while. I cannot resist chocolate covered strawberries. They are such a comfort food and remind me of happier times that I seriously could not pass them up yesterday. And I was right, they did help.

We had to go to the store because what my family was going to make for dinner has never sat real well with my stomach, even before Ana so they were nice enough to let me try and pick something out. I was going to opt for a Lean Cuisine pizza so I could have something I wanted but not with a TON of calories. Well, when they saw I was reaching for that, I was told to put it back because they knew how to make homemade pizza.

I cried in the middle of a grocery store. That's when I knew. That's when I knew I was right back where I started. I was crying, hanging my head in shame, walking out of the store because I didn't want to eat something I couldn't count the calories in. And I couldn't skip out on another meal because that would be way too obvious something was up.

I didn't stay at dinner long. I ate slowly, only eating about four small slices of the pizza. When everyone was done, I excused myself to go take a shower. Well, I turned that water on, grabbed a tooth brush and promptly got rid of that pizza. I felt terrible. I had promised, sworn, to my boyfriend that I wouldn't do that again. Ana told me oh well.

Well, I told him. He had been freaking about everything since I told him what happened with my grandmother because he knows how I am. He knew exactly where it was going to go but since he wasn't there, he couldn't exactly stop it.

Well, feeling guilty about him, I ate two more pieces of Godiva and half a bag of popcorn which is surprisingly low in calories if you buy the right bag! I also got a large cup and filled it to the brim with ice. I knew that I wanted a regular soda but I knew with all the ice in there I'd get less soda. So I drank the soda and then ate the ice. Ice always was a comfort food to me for some reason. Plus during my..."times", it helps with fullness.

Well, I have a doctor's appointment to get to so I need to cut this off.

Breakfast:
Cinnamon roll, half
Very small orange juice

Snack:
One Godiva (couldn't resist)

Lunch:
None.